Gifts

The second Love Language is discussed in chapter 4, Gifts. I'm giddy just thinking about this word and what it means:

Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.



The act, right, or power of giving.


A talent, endowment, aptitude, or inclination
 
ETYMOLOGY:

Middle English, from Old Norse; see ghabh- in Indo-European roots
http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/gift

Norse Rune: Gebo = Gift (looks like an X) and whenever I see this symbol or rune in nature it makes me smile.

Questions to Ponder

To what degree was the love language of gifts spoken by your parents to you and to each other?
100%! Gifts were a big deal in my family. my mother, especially, demonstrated love through gift giving. Sometimes it was too much and it was to make up for the fact she wasn't around and of course you had to respond with proper respect and if you didn't like it, she would be devastated. To a degree I am very much lie that; disappointed when someone doesn't like a gift I give or they don't demonstrate their appreciation in a manner that I expect.

To what degree do you give gifts to those you love and care for?
I love giving gifts (small or large, cheap or expensive) I definitely show my appreciation and affection through tokens

What i s the last gift you gave and to whom did you give it?
Just the other day, I gave my boss two small boxes of Hot Tamales (his favorite candy) and to my co-workers I gave each a small box of Mike & Ikes cause they all like that kind of candy. No reason, it was a Monday and I was just saying "Hi".

Do you find speaking the love language of gifts difficult, or does it come naturally for you? Why?
Its easy peasy Japaneasy! My greatest joy is getting the perfect gift for someone and seeing them smile. To me, i show I care an am interested by giving tokes and gifts. I learned from my mom. I show that you are important to me because I listened to your likes and dislikes and I show you that by giving you this great gift.

In your conversation with others, do you consciously listen for gift idea? Would keeping a gift list in your notebook be helpful to you?
I really do pay attention and hardly ever doubt my gift giving capabilities. I do talk about my purchases with other people. But that's not really about doubting the gift. It is more of me "talking" about how good of a person I am to be giving such a great gift to someone and I want to share this info so that they can hear (see) the love I have for the person I am giving the gift to and they are impressed by my generosity and love. I use lists for many things, but because this gift giving seems to by my thing, I rarely use a list to keep track. Except at holiday time with the list is HUGE.

If you enjoy receiving gifts, from whom would you most like t receive one? Would it be appropriate for you to give this person a gift this week.
I enjoy receiving gifts, but it is a double edge sword for me. If the gift is crappy or very little thought went into it (and I know it, like Clyde running out the night before b-day/holiday); that makes me upset and frustrated and hurt and very disappointed. On the other hand if its is too extravagant, I mis-trust it instantly and begin to worry what the giver expects in return or I question my self worth against the gift. However, if it is "perfect" and unexpected, I'm usually overwhelmed with delight and joy.

I always tell my kids the best gift they can give me is to be well behaved and take care of the things I give them.

The gifts I gave this week: Candy at the office, Sent a card to my sister, wrote a letter to my little brother and the gift of love to my children.

xox
Ursula

All The Pretty Words

Chapter 3 talks about the Love Language Words of Affirmation, and of course the importance and the power of words. My mother always you to say "It's not what you say, but how you say it. " and "If you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up!" Oi! That was my mother. I have issues with words. I don't trust them. People say what they think you want to hear. I've never taken Affirmations seriously as a self-help tool because of self doubt and not trusting words. It's ironic that I'm a writer (with writer's block) and am discovering, I do not trust the words. mmmmm.... I think it stems from broken promises. People in my life saying things that they don't mean and unable to commit to their promises leaving me unsatisfied with their lackluster attitude. Or the opposite, being very critical and I BELIEVE them when they say negative things about me. (how screwed up is that???) And compliments are the worst for me; two reasons. I do not generally believe anyone that says anything nice about me, because I think (deep down) they want something from me. Secondly, that some how if I accept their praise I'm being vain and prideful and for some reason THAT is what is still embedded in me from my Christian upbringing and I'm somehow being dishonest and ungodly when I accept others praise. How is it that I've confused all the pretty words in this world??

Questions To Ponder

To What degree did you receive words of affirmation from your parents?

I would say, that words of affirmation came mostly if not solely from my mother. She did say "I love you, I'm proud of you, Thanks, you did a good job." It wasn't daily but it was there but sometimes the words were back-handily said. The affirmations I got from my step-fathers were always about my physical attributes, my sweet smile, my beautiful eyes, my cute nose, objectifying my body and girly attributes (honestly don't wish to repeat them), so i honestly mis-trust these accolades because of the abuse that came with these words.

  Do you find it easy or difficult to speak words of affirmation to your parents? Why?

I can't speak in a traditional sense to my mother because she is dead. But I'd like to think we can communicate across the veil and still know deep down there is love there. I don't speak to my step-fathers for obvious reasons.

If you find it difficult, is it time for you to take the initiative to express words of affirmations to you parents?

No

How freely do you express words of affirmation in your other relationships?

Tricky, this one. I am generally quick with criticism, but since my separation in 2008, I've noticed my negativity and have been working on correcting it. It's difficult to come from a place of praise and encouragement when I'm faced with disrespect and laziness, especially dealing with my children. The last thing I want to come home to is a dirty house with kids running around and not having homework done. Before I get out of the car, I breathe; Please let me speak with love and positive words this evening. Yet in 10 minutes I'm barking and snarling because they are out of control. Just as much as I want to say affirming words I want to hear (and trust) them as well. I am getting better, but I'm far from my best. I think my challenge here is; I don't know how to speak in the positive with a positive tone.

Is there a relationship you would like to enhance? Do you think speaking worlds of affirmation wold be meaningful to that person?

The one with my children, I want to parent from a place of love and I want them to respond in the same manner; I think my children will blossom in a home of love, safety and gratitude. I think our bond will become strong if we affirm each other. (Now where is the technical manual to teach us how to do this?)

xox
Ursula