My Quiet Rebellion

As  a little girl, I had the most blonde curly hair ever known to man. It was so pale blonde that it looked almost white and had the softest gentle curls.  When I became school aged, my mother would roll my hair (weekly) in soft rollers and I would sleep with them in my hair. This limited my hair washing needs, but made me look like Shirley Temple (an idol of my by the way). By age 7 I learned how to use hot rollers and curling irons to control the look of my curls and by 9 I got my first perm. Yes, that would be a puffy, kinky curly, afro-like perm. I WAS NINE! The same year I got glasses. All I wanted was Farrah Fawcett hair.....

In seventh grade I cut my hair, much like Princess Diana and kept it like that for two years before going back to it in tenth grade, until falling in love a boy that like girls with long very blonde hair. At age 16 I began the "bleaching", I had naturally blonde hair, but it began to darken and I wanted to keep the lovely golden strands of my youth.  That was also the year I began reading Cosmo (religiously) and they suggested "for fun and temporary color boost" to use Kool-aid. So I ran to my parents kitchen pantry grabbed the cherry flavored packet and mixed it in to my shampoo to change my hair from blonde to PINK. Secretly I loved it. But my mother flipped out and made me soak my head until the color was gone.

My first year of college, I began dying my hair myself using drugstore boxed color and sleeping in socks (YES, I said socks) because it made big fluffy curls in my hair and was less time consuming than hot rolling. I put in a black color wash for Halloween that lasted about a week, I was a red head for about 2 months and one time, I put in a brown "ash" wash to my hair and it turned it gray with mauve streaks and had to wash my hair in Tide to get it out, because we had family holiday photos and my mom was gonna KILL ME! But, by time I reached 20, big hair was out and stick straight was in, so I took a home perm  and put it on my hair and instead of rolling it in rollers for curly hair, I combed it straight.  I don't think my hair has ever forgiven me. I had straight hair alright, but it was years before I was ever curly again.

Then I started to have children. First child, I cut my to my chin (it hadn't be "short" since 10th grade) I looked like I was a 12 year old dutch boy. Second child, I went for the Demi Moore from Ghost, all I can say is wow NEVER again, that is NOT a good look for me. Third child, instead of cutting it off to help with managing my hair I... PERMED it, this time (first, last and only) I agreed to perm my bangs.  It was so horrific, that I have NEVER permed it again. I looked like an over done poodle. But my hair gained some of it's "natural" curl back.  Baby number four, I changed my COLOR. I added light brown to my golden locks. But the brown didn't last long, I didn't really like it. I thought it looked gray and even though the stylist assured me she didn't use ash color, it think she did. So back to bleach blonde I went.

Until 2005, where I went back to the light brown. I couldn't afford the upkeep and cost of keeping my hair so pale blonde when my roots were becoming darker every year. It wasn't really drastic, but more manageable. However my mother (from her death bed) flipped out, it was a revisit circa pink Kool-aid hair when I was 16. She was very upset, I told her that it was the poor lighting in her ICU room. (am I a bad daughter? Is that gonna take me to hell? Lying to a dying woman???) In February (my mom's bday) 07, in honor of my late mother (i know this is gonna be a little weird for some of you, but I think she would have laughed, she would have found the irony as funny as I did, one day I'll be sure to ask her) I added HOT PINK hi-lites to my light brown/blonde hair. I thought it was awesome. My co-workers used this as an opportunity to pick on me. (jackwagaons) But I was mostly surprised and hurt by Clyde's remarks as I stepped from my vehicle. He was on the porch and he said "Damn it Lala (yes, my nickname is Lala) ACT YOUR AGE, you're not 13 anymore!" (cause I could have totally done this to my hair when I was 13???) Needless to say, the pink faded, but my fuel to push the envelope of fashion thru my hair began to smolder.

In 2008 I befriend a hairstylist, Sadie, this girl is the most hippy, dippy, southern, country, redneck, with a gangster twist of a girl that can do some damn FINE hair I've ever met! Sadie is about 10 years younger than me, but is a hoot of a gal! She cut my hair (kinda Jennifer Aniston layer-ish), first time I didn't get bangs and colored it ORCHID, which is a purpley black. Clyde lost it. I SMILED.  Then after we (Clyde and I) separated, I allowed Sadie to cut it almost emo-pixie-ish

Up until May 2010, I let my hair grow and only refreshed the brown in it to keep it glossy and vibrant. I add some blonde streaks here and there, but nothing extreme... then... Sadie whacked it off Victoria Beckham-ish and BLEACHED it out. It took peoples breath away and I was sooo in love with it. By October I had gone pixie crazy sporting the a new do Michelle Williams style and kept it pale blonde and short, until October 2011....

I still have the pixie-esque cut, but it's dark brown. I'm growing it out. It's very time consuming keeping it short and that pale. I miss "flipping" my hair, especially when I'm flirting with Darci. Also, with long hair, it is easier to wear hats and I LOVE HATS! But most of all I miss my long locks (for now). I love changing my hair, I certainly enjoy being edgy and fashionable with it. My hair is my quiet rebellion to the restrictive suit wearing, modest minded, cookie cutter uniformed business society within which I work.

xox
Ursula

Year and a Day Dedication

As per my tradition and faith, we dedicate ourselves yearly to a specific path or challenge or ideal. (for a whole year and a day) This year I challenge myself to a trifecta of goals.

*Strengthen my skills as a Wiccan Healer
*Explore and hone my talents as a Fiber Artist
*Pen the next great American Novel

So Mote It Be

xox
Ursula

Afterlife

When we think about the purpose of religion one main topic comes to mind: Afterlife. Our faith usually guides our thoughts on this. Are you going to Heaven? Hell? Is there a Heaven? Hell? As a Wiccan, I often get asked my thoughts on this because, based on Christian belief, I am doomed to Hell for all eternity.

My first reaction is to laugh, loudly and somewhat rudely. I can not help myself. I find humor in stupidity. (and I'm not going to apologize for it) I then explain that I do not speak for all Pagans or Wiccans when I explain my thoughts, as in this particular faith so much is left up to the individual to surmise, define and interpret, that I can only speak on my own behalf. (and yes I realized that this disorganization continues of be our downfall and keeps us, partly, from being totally recognized as a "real" religion)

So, my belief: I believe in reincarnation. To simply say, yes our soul continues to return to this earthly plane to learn lesson and eventually become so enlightened that we reach Nirvana and rejoin the Divine in the great cosmos. I believe that we journey to the Summerland (aka Underworld) where we wait out our return and in this celestial realm we can travel (as spirits/ghosts) back and forth to all the planes. 

I do not believe that we are tortured in the afterlife for any evil/wrong doing. I do not believe that Satan or the Devil actually exists (not saying that evil entities and/or demons don't exist) to tempt me from God(s/Goddesses) or my Divine path. I don't believe in absolution (a traditional Catholic theological idea for the asking of forgiveness experienced in the Sacrament of Reconciliation). I don't believe in transmigration reincarnation (the thought that the soul can come back as anything other than human), although I may wish a few people to come back as a cockroach so I can squish them (not really, just a random madden thought that crosses EVERY ONE'S mind every now and again).

I do believe in karma and i feel we must always put our best foot forward, not in fear of karmic return but because it's the right thing to do. I make mistakes and when I do, I ask for forgiveness and learn from my mistakes and sometimes get smacked around by karma and keep repeating lessons until I learn them (I can be stubborn) in this life or the next.

What are your own thoughts? Where will your soul spend eternity? What is your Afterlife?

love & light
Ursula

Summer Vacation

So it's been a while since I posted. Bad me... But, there is of course a reason. Mostly I've been busy. Now we all say that and for the most part it's a true statement for all and it very much is for me.

~ My Summer Vacation~
aka what the hell have i been up to!

As you know I was reading 5 Love Languages, I also simultaneously was reading Bethenny Frankel's Naturally Thin and A Place of Yes (10 rules to getting everything you want out of life) and whilst I was pondering these authors valuable and insightful words, I kept repeating to myself, I KNOW THIS, I AM DOING THIS. AAANNNDDD then it hit me! Instead of READING about what I need to do, I need to DO IT! So, I put the books down. Started living my life and I became way to busy to blog!! LMAO

My life is really good. For the most part. 

LOVE
I am dating.. a girl!!!

CAREER
Well, my day job is good. Ok it's great and I love what I do and make a descent living (IE I pay my bills) But, it's not writing or very creative. So I'm working on some fiber art projects and that is going slow. Just like I don't have time to actually write this blog, I don't have much time for these artistic projects. I need to stop watching so much TV!!! I have (in my head) found an ending to one of the stories I am creating (yeah). I want to work on some bath products and have the profits support Marriage Equality and my friend Anita wants me to make soap for her company. So much to do, so little time.. I need to get myself organized, maybe make a vision board (ok that is witch talk for creating an alter!)

FAMILY
My sister Vi is fine, getting ready to move to Arizona (it's hot there, no?). My brother Charles is doing what he always does (spouts of the importance for social rebellion while continuing to live as a recluse). My little brother Freddie and his fiance just welcomed a new baby boy (yippie).  As for my children; I ponder daily how the human race continues to exist past the teenage years! My children, as liberal as I am, I can not deal with their self absorbed, lazy, obstinate, slovenly, anti-authority, mouthy, eye-rolling, entitled, wasteful asses!!! I'm shocked on a regular basis. Their behavior defies their upbringing and I swear on all that is holy and good and sensible that they have been abducted by aliens and these are really NOT my children! And! Clyde still gets to play hero and Mr. Popular with them while I continue to be the Warden Bitch! (ahhhh... motherhood)

PERSONAL GROWTH
I'm still struggling spiritually speaking, not with my faith of being Wiccan, but with the practice of it. Since loosing my community, I've been.. well.. lost. But health wise, I've lost 25 pounds and am really happy with that, it's a good start. I've embraced my whole/raw/flexitarian/B blood type diet. I'm going through the last hurdle gluten free, specifically for me no bread/pasta. I will keep you posted! Still haven't found the time (meaning motivation) to really exercise regularly even though I enjoy walking and yoga.

So there I am... in a nutshell...

xox
Ursula

Gifts

The second Love Language is discussed in chapter 4, Gifts. I'm giddy just thinking about this word and what it means:

Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.



The act, right, or power of giving.


A talent, endowment, aptitude, or inclination
 
ETYMOLOGY:

Middle English, from Old Norse; see ghabh- in Indo-European roots
http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/gift

Norse Rune: Gebo = Gift (looks like an X) and whenever I see this symbol or rune in nature it makes me smile.

Questions to Ponder

To what degree was the love language of gifts spoken by your parents to you and to each other?
100%! Gifts were a big deal in my family. my mother, especially, demonstrated love through gift giving. Sometimes it was too much and it was to make up for the fact she wasn't around and of course you had to respond with proper respect and if you didn't like it, she would be devastated. To a degree I am very much lie that; disappointed when someone doesn't like a gift I give or they don't demonstrate their appreciation in a manner that I expect.

To what degree do you give gifts to those you love and care for?
I love giving gifts (small or large, cheap or expensive) I definitely show my appreciation and affection through tokens

What i s the last gift you gave and to whom did you give it?
Just the other day, I gave my boss two small boxes of Hot Tamales (his favorite candy) and to my co-workers I gave each a small box of Mike & Ikes cause they all like that kind of candy. No reason, it was a Monday and I was just saying "Hi".

Do you find speaking the love language of gifts difficult, or does it come naturally for you? Why?
Its easy peasy Japaneasy! My greatest joy is getting the perfect gift for someone and seeing them smile. To me, i show I care an am interested by giving tokes and gifts. I learned from my mom. I show that you are important to me because I listened to your likes and dislikes and I show you that by giving you this great gift.

In your conversation with others, do you consciously listen for gift idea? Would keeping a gift list in your notebook be helpful to you?
I really do pay attention and hardly ever doubt my gift giving capabilities. I do talk about my purchases with other people. But that's not really about doubting the gift. It is more of me "talking" about how good of a person I am to be giving such a great gift to someone and I want to share this info so that they can hear (see) the love I have for the person I am giving the gift to and they are impressed by my generosity and love. I use lists for many things, but because this gift giving seems to by my thing, I rarely use a list to keep track. Except at holiday time with the list is HUGE.

If you enjoy receiving gifts, from whom would you most like t receive one? Would it be appropriate for you to give this person a gift this week.
I enjoy receiving gifts, but it is a double edge sword for me. If the gift is crappy or very little thought went into it (and I know it, like Clyde running out the night before b-day/holiday); that makes me upset and frustrated and hurt and very disappointed. On the other hand if its is too extravagant, I mis-trust it instantly and begin to worry what the giver expects in return or I question my self worth against the gift. However, if it is "perfect" and unexpected, I'm usually overwhelmed with delight and joy.

I always tell my kids the best gift they can give me is to be well behaved and take care of the things I give them.

The gifts I gave this week: Candy at the office, Sent a card to my sister, wrote a letter to my little brother and the gift of love to my children.

xox
Ursula

All The Pretty Words

Chapter 3 talks about the Love Language Words of Affirmation, and of course the importance and the power of words. My mother always you to say "It's not what you say, but how you say it. " and "If you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up!" Oi! That was my mother. I have issues with words. I don't trust them. People say what they think you want to hear. I've never taken Affirmations seriously as a self-help tool because of self doubt and not trusting words. It's ironic that I'm a writer (with writer's block) and am discovering, I do not trust the words. mmmmm.... I think it stems from broken promises. People in my life saying things that they don't mean and unable to commit to their promises leaving me unsatisfied with their lackluster attitude. Or the opposite, being very critical and I BELIEVE them when they say negative things about me. (how screwed up is that???) And compliments are the worst for me; two reasons. I do not generally believe anyone that says anything nice about me, because I think (deep down) they want something from me. Secondly, that some how if I accept their praise I'm being vain and prideful and for some reason THAT is what is still embedded in me from my Christian upbringing and I'm somehow being dishonest and ungodly when I accept others praise. How is it that I've confused all the pretty words in this world??

Questions To Ponder

To What degree did you receive words of affirmation from your parents?

I would say, that words of affirmation came mostly if not solely from my mother. She did say "I love you, I'm proud of you, Thanks, you did a good job." It wasn't daily but it was there but sometimes the words were back-handily said. The affirmations I got from my step-fathers were always about my physical attributes, my sweet smile, my beautiful eyes, my cute nose, objectifying my body and girly attributes (honestly don't wish to repeat them), so i honestly mis-trust these accolades because of the abuse that came with these words.

  Do you find it easy or difficult to speak words of affirmation to your parents? Why?

I can't speak in a traditional sense to my mother because she is dead. But I'd like to think we can communicate across the veil and still know deep down there is love there. I don't speak to my step-fathers for obvious reasons.

If you find it difficult, is it time for you to take the initiative to express words of affirmations to you parents?

No

How freely do you express words of affirmation in your other relationships?

Tricky, this one. I am generally quick with criticism, but since my separation in 2008, I've noticed my negativity and have been working on correcting it. It's difficult to come from a place of praise and encouragement when I'm faced with disrespect and laziness, especially dealing with my children. The last thing I want to come home to is a dirty house with kids running around and not having homework done. Before I get out of the car, I breathe; Please let me speak with love and positive words this evening. Yet in 10 minutes I'm barking and snarling because they are out of control. Just as much as I want to say affirming words I want to hear (and trust) them as well. I am getting better, but I'm far from my best. I think my challenge here is; I don't know how to speak in the positive with a positive tone.

Is there a relationship you would like to enhance? Do you think speaking worlds of affirmation wold be meaningful to that person?

The one with my children, I want to parent from a place of love and I want them to respond in the same manner; I think my children will blossom in a home of love, safety and gratitude. I think our bond will become strong if we affirm each other. (Now where is the technical manual to teach us how to do this?)

xox
Ursula

Psychedelic

I went to a body-mind-spirit festival on the beach yesterday with some (recently met) girlfriends (Jacki and her sister Becki). We had such a great time, shopping, talking and eating. We even looked at wedding rings with Jacki at one of the shops. I felt so included and I was open to it. A truly psychedelic day...

We went to a little shop and I got a hand made prayer bead strand for unconditional love, this seems to be a theme in my life at the moment. self love, motherly love, friendly love, family love, romantic love.... I'm going to use it as a focus tool while I meditate. (sweet)

I had a card read for me. Abundance (more meaning for prosperity). I have abundance it all aspects of my life, just need to remind myself of how truly full and blessed my life is and not worry about what I don't have. Be happy with the moment and all it has to offer. (does this sound familiar? You bet!)

I also went to a psychic. I love getting my cards, tarot, runes or palm read. I usually cry, yesterday was no different. I wanted to know about my love life. She told me to stop worrying about it. I'll meet someone within the year, but it's not a forever love. That's not the way with me. I've had a few loves and right now I'm still going through the process of grieving over my divorce (even though I'm the one that left, she knew that I didn't tell her). So chill out basically. Now what's holding me back is, I'm not doing what I'm passionate about. My job, although I like it, it's draining me and I know it. I need to go back to school. I need to write about my pain and share it with others. I will not be able to keep up my current career direction forever and this is the year to prepare for that change, when it comes. (she seem to give me the feeling, it'll be like in 2 or 3 years). Also my body it taking a toll and I need to do more to relax it. (I need to be serious about taking care of myself), my shoulders and neck are so full of unnecessary tension. Lastly, she spoke of my mother. She said she visits me at night, watching my sleep and sits in the chair in my room. (that is freaky, cause I've got a chair facing my bed) Also she asked me about electronics, have I had something messing up lately. And yes, my alarm clock has been messing up or been unplugged. She said that was my mom trying to get my attention. And my mom kept talking about shoes (the only thing I can think of is I LOVE shoes). She said my mom gives me pink roses and pulls back from the psychic. (Pink roses??? symbol of friendship) The psychic said my mom loves me and is always with me. I also have two guardian angels with me at all time, yet I don't let them help me and they just stand around twiddling their thumbs. I need to open up to them for help. So at this moment, I open my heart, mind and soul to my guardian angels, I allow them to help me and guide me. So Mote It Be

xox
Ursula

Exit Stage Left...

The next chapter of The 5 Love Languages talks about the two stages of love. I've heard of the honeymoon phase, but not 2 stages of love. In stage 1, it is the honeymoon phase. Where everything is beautiful (to simply put it) and one experiences the euphoric ride of love and it lasts about two years. UH? Then stage 2 begins where as all the little things begin to become big things. All the personality flaws are glaring at you and you begin to be annoyed by the other person. The book explains that this is the real love. The time to be dedicating yourself to UNCONDITIONAL love for your partner (as they do the same for you) whilst speaking each other's love language. Well this explains my failure, I'm all for stage 1, the happy to be together stage that I cram into a three month period before I start demanding commitment (where as and here in squats the goat; I really don't know this person) and if the relationship does last longer than 2 years, I'm already disgruntled and can't be open to stage 2. I've never really reached stage 2. I don't know what to do at this point.. Exit stage left???

Questions to ponder

1. Which of your relationships do you consider to be healthy relationships?
I use to think I had a good bond with my children, Bea, and Vie and even with my ex-husband. I always thought the confrontation and disagreements was part and parcel of any relationship. But now, after reading this chapter, I feel that I don't have any healthy relationships.

2. Which of your relationships would you like to see improved?
I really want to be a better mom and have my children respond to me in a more positive and respectful way as I respond to them in return. I really want to have a better connection with my brothers Charles and Freddie and my sister Vivianne. I want to strengthen my relationship with Bea. I would like to see myself interacting constructively and in a copacetic manner at work and i would like to open myself up to friendships and love in all its forms.

3. How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Your father?
My parents were absent at best and abusive at worst.

My mother struggled to communicate love and affection except through materialistic means. She was a difficult person to please and was constantly verbally and/or physically accosting me because I failed to live up to her expectations. There were rare moments of deep abiding love from her, but it was seldom and shrouded by her demands. Now that I am an adult and mother, I can see her struggle more clearly. It doesn't excuse her, but I get it and I profoundly wish she had gotten help. Sadly, she died and we can not work through this, but I have forgiven her.

My biological father (baby daddy) was/is absent.

My step-fathers (3 of them) sexually abused me; I get why I'm a control freak and do not trust people easily. But I am not a victim. It wasn't my fault and through reading Gabrielle Bernstein's book (Add More ~ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness) - I am working on the use of the F word daily.

These relationships or lack there of have had negative influence on my life, obviously. But I am a survivor, strong woman and powerful enough to "break the chain": (thank you Bethenny Frankel).

4. In dating relationships, how many times have you experienced Stage One: passionate love?
Is this a trick question??? Oh! I fall in love so easily (no problem there). I am a true consumer of this kind of love and hence when the relationship graduates to Stage 2 I am unable to cope. I am in love with being in love and therefore, more times than I can count; I have experienced Stage One: passionate love.

5. Were you able to make the transition to Stage Two: covenant love: Why or why not?
(big sigh) Obviously not. Because I was unaware that I am inept at making it across the bridge to Stage 2. I'd have hope and high expectations that the other person would "know" how to show me love and make me happy. It occurs to me that not only did these people not respond to my language, I didn't respond to theirs (wow-wee) and all we did was make each other miserable and got angry at each other and blamed each other and when it comes down to it, we couldn't even understand each other how in the hell were we suppose to make a relationship work or even our love for each other grow???... (they should teach this shit in high school!!!!)

6. Are you willing to invest time in learning to speak the 5 love languages?
YES!!! (simple but true)

Fresh Start

So... I had a moment of weakness at the wedding of my BFF Bea, was it the sugar high from the skittles or the caffeine/energy boost drink of a Monster's Java Loco Mocha talking??? oy It doesn't even matter, every day I wake up is a fresh start.

I'm reading The 5 Love languages for Singles by Gary Chapman. (I know it is Christian based, but The Divine is everywhere and in everything regardless of what the devotees name it.) At the end of every chapter are Questions to ponder and I thought Wow-wee these will make great blog post entries. So, dear reader, enjoy....

To what degree do you feel loved by significant people in your life?
From my children I feel a great deal amount. With every hug, kiss, groan, eye-rolling, LAWL, laugh, high-five I feel their love and sheer joy of being my children. I do feel some from my brothers (although I think it is out of obligation more than unconditional love, but love none the less, and to be honest, my love for them is quiet obligatory in return). As to my sister Vivianne, there is true love and support there. We couldn't be more different and yet even through space and time we are each other's biggest cheerleader. As for my friendships, I'm not sure. I know some love me dearly and I know it, while others are more fair weatherly types. The jury is out on the friendship love.

In a time of need, have you experienced the love of a friend like the one Rob described: "I don't think I would have made it without her??" If so, how did your friend show his or her love?
This is a tricky question (and maybe part of my blockage to love) I've had friends come and go in my life. In the moments we are connected and I would say, yeah totally love and supported by this person. But then the friendship ends (usually a move is involved, sometimes there is a fall out). I want friends like Friends on TV. mmmmmmm When I was 9 I had my palm read at a fair. The fortune teller told me, I'd never have lots of friends and they'd always be moving in and out of my life, that the friendships will never last for long periods of time. Here's the kicker... Is this fate and destiny or a self fulling prophecy and I block myself subconsciously because she told me that???

Have you been a friend to someone in need? how did you express your love?
I would think of myself as a person willing to go the distance for a friendship and express my love for that person both verbally and physically. But honestly, maybe it's me and not them. Maybe I haven't been as open and giving as I think and maybe this is why my friendships fail. Not that I don't have the potential to become a greater friend. I know I have it in me, the desire to connect with people and make lasting friendships. (uh.. thought I was just befuddled in the romantic zone, but apparent I'm socially inept too, ??)

How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?
Well, obviously I suck... hence I'm reading this book to help me figure this out and become better at expressing love and allowing myself to accept the love others have to offer (wow-wee).

How interested are you in studying the nature of love and learning new ways to express love?
OOOHHHHHHH VERY, yeah me.. oh pick me, I want! YES!!!! (ahem) I am extremely open to the idea.

(Is this going to be fun or what?)
xox
Ursula

All For Not?

So even after I shed almost 20lbs, I still looked like a tub-o-lard in green chiffon. You got it. The wedding of Bea & Jay was on Saturday and it was truly a wonderful and beautiful event if you didn't mind the elephant in the room; me. For some unknown reason, that even though the dress fit days before and even the night before the wedding, the day of.. I gained 20 pounds or the dress shrunk. Either way it wasn't fitting. I asked the bride (very wildly and tearfully) for another 10 minutes to try to fix the problem and we exchanged some heated words and it ended with her walking out to line up and me crying and saying "How very matrue of you, thanks!" Surely not my most shinning moment. So another bridesmaid scrambled to put a shawl on my shoulders to cover my bountiful boosm..... honestly i think it made things worse, but as I was reminded by said bridesmaid... everyone will be looking at Bea anyway and wont eve notice me (oh btw.. my ego loved that one). So, the bride said I looked fine and to get it together.. No one likes to hear they look fine (it really means, you aren't ugly but you still look bad). After the ceremonly a well meaning moron came up to me and said I had an odd look on my face during the whole wedding. (seriously?) I was horriblely uncomfortable (not just in THAT dress, but in my own skin) and completely ashamed... but I thought I was smiling through it for Bea. (another let down I suppose, how she must be truly dissapointed) At the reception, I gave a nice speech. Not many people talked to me, ok I think 3 people NOT in the wedding party spoke to me. I scrambled to find two of my kids (I took the older 2 girls, thought we'd have some fun together) but honestly even they didn't want to be around the chaos that was me that day. I don't blame them. Before I knew it. Bea & Jay left and all was over.... Until we met for lunch before I and my kids left town, after hugging and being all happy to see each other.. the first thing out of her mouth "So, rumor has it people we taking bets to see how soon your chest would burst out of your dress." (smiling and laughing... her not me). I was a total clown, exactly what I didn't want to be and all that hard work (diet and exercise) I did months before the wedding was all for not.....

Signing off,
Ursula (aka tub-o-lard in chiffon)

Drake

His smile is charming
His kiss... divine!

His tongue is teasing
His touch... sublime!

xox
Ursula

Dark Horse

So the minute I announce my affection for the fairer sex, the Universe answers in the way of a Dark Horse from my past. A young man, I once had a fleeting affair with whilst on leave from my marriage (a trial separation) that had left me more than a little broken hearted, more jilted and very jaded about romance. Yet the Universe felt the need to bring him back…. ‘WHY’ I scream. Isn’t this what I’ve been hoping for. A simple, casual yet intimate connection with another person? (damn it… YES) Isn’t that what Danilo is offering… ???? (damn it, YES) Then why don’t I STFU??? Because I’m whiny and over think things. This is exactly what I’ve been wanting. I know Danilo. I’ve known him a very long time, so I don’t have to waste hours on dates of “getting to know this person” before I “know” this person. I’m sure we’ve both changed in the past 8 yrs since our tryst. But that will be the surprise for us both. Maybe we needed those years to get ourselves right. When we were together, so long ago, it was really bad timing. Neither of us were truly separate and apart from our spouses. We had other obligations (vows, children, work) and we could not be together. It wasn’t right. So, now??? I don’t want to put to much pressure on this guy being the ONE. I mean we haven’t even gone on a date yet (looking forward to Saturday!) We’ll see how it goes… the least I’m hoping for… you got it…. INSPIRATION!!! Get those juices flowing again and open myself up to any and all possiblities… So here I go again… My Dark Horse, My Prince of Inspiration, My Beloved???.... maybe


Much Love,

Ursula

Breaking My Romantic Illusions

I've been reading this great self improvement book and I have just read a chapter about breaking the romantic illusions and then a chapter about obtaining the life you want. The author asks, me the reader, to think about who I want to be in this life. What is stopping me from being the happy person I want to be. And my knee jerk, gut reaction (with a resounding scoff) answer is; To be a lesbian and I can't be one because of the judgemental, uber-moral, narrow minded society I've grown up in wouldn't accept my choices. (wait.. what...) You mean that my relationships with men haven't passed the test of time because deep down I knew I was missing something they couldn't possibly give me because of their gender and not because I'm a unsatisfied insatiable slut??? WHAT? I'm a lesbian (and NOT bi-sexual)???? Could this be true? After this thought passes through my mind, I verbally say out loud "I'm a lesbian!" and I felt such a sense of relief and a bubble of giggles that filled my spirit and warmed my heart. A feeling I haven't felt in such a long time, a true and genuine smile broke across my lips and lit up my face... Wow what a feeling... I AM A LESBIAN!

hugs & kisses
Ursula

Dear Clyde

Dear Clyde, I have been thinking of today for a while. It is a day for closure and endings and I thought it would be appropriate to end this relationship the way it began, with a letter. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you but I didn't want any misunderstanding of what it was I am forgiving you for. I did not want any ambivalence or scoffing. I thought about ticking off every broken promise, every transgression, every lie; but that seemed futile at best and hateful at worst. It would not give my heart the solace it is seeking. So, I simply say to you; I Forgive You. I do have a lasting and deep wish that you find happiness and have a blissful life My hope is that you serve that of your highest self for the sake of our children. They deserve the very best part of you. They are truly our greatest treasure and success and I am grateful to you for them. All my best, Ursula

I wish Wiccan's had a bible

Yeah I said it! I wish I had a Wiccan bible. I know we have the Rede (our moral guide). Maybe as a writer I should create my own and I know that's what the book of shadows is. But not really. The bible tells the stories of the Christian faith. It's not just a rule book for "How to live a devout and pious life" but also an inspirational read. A self improvement and affirmation guide for the soul. I love reading certain scriptures to be uplifted, moved, stimulate my senses, excite my fancy and stir my soul. Truly poetic. A book of shadows is a culmination of workings, be it rituals, meditations and spells. A personal "how to" manual. I enjoy mine and am always working on them. But what I desire is a book of quotes (ish) that elicit the same feelings from me that the Scripture does. To say things like "A thing of beauty is a joy forever" or This is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it Psalms 118:24 are some of my favorite quotes because there is so much hope and promise and love melded into the words.
Inspirational Quotes for Wiccans (I bet B & N has one.. giggle)
If not... looks like a project for me... wonder how something like that gets published???

xox
Ursula

The Crossroads

I'm standing at the crossroads of who I was and whom I'm to become.
I look around and notice that I'm singularly here.
I do not have a romantic partner
I've out grown most of my friendships
I have no faith based community.
I am truly solitairely present.

So scared to be alone and yet that is what I am and I wonder... "Why?" My ego begins to scream at me, "Because you aren't good enough to have people in your life. You demand so much out of people that it exhausts them. You are self absorbed. You are too critical. You are unlovable." Oh the list goes on.

i cry

Then there is a swelling in my heart and these words are whispered.... "in perfect love and perfect trust, as above so below, as within so without...."

wait... wiping tears...
what was that...

She repeats.....
"in perfect love and perfect trust, as above so below, as within so without"

(damn it)

I do not need external validation to complete me, it's already inside of me. Waiting for me to be alone long enough to discover it.....

Dear Goddess, THANK YOU!

I shall follow (alone) on this path of self discovery, self validation and to true completeness.

al 'a cart

I just made my very own salad dressing. Partly, ok mostly, because I can't afford the organic and natural versions from the store. They are usually $3.00 to $4.00 a bottle and honestly because they are processed there is an ingredient in it that I can't have (according to "Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type"). I was eating WishBone Italian and although it's fairly inexpensive and tasty, it has Soybean oil and Corn products in it. :O(

So, I bought a little salad dressing bottle with a drip top, kinda like the tops on liquor bottles. Do you know what I mean? I don't know the name for the bottle. Sometimes they use these bottles for vinegar at restaurants. But anyway so I made French Dressing, YUMMY

Here is the recipe... ENJOY

Classic French Dressing
1 cup olive oil
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 lemon juice
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground mustard
1/2 tsp paprika

Religion 101

So, the subject of my faith raises eyebrows in most people that I meet. In fact, I'm often met with scorn, ridicule, patronizing comments and the all time favorite of pure unadulterated disbelief. After all, upon first glance I seem "normal", educated, moral even and very much an ethical and maybe even logical gal. Of course if anyone bothered to go below the surface... Well, that's where I seem to come of as a total FREAK, hippy-dippy, out there, broadband weirdo. I do not see myself as unusual or strange. I admit to being a freak, hahahaha. But honestly, I am just as unique and quirky as the next person. Seriously.

I was raised by a non practicing Catholic, my mother. As far back as I can remember, I've attended various religious establishments, usually without my mother. I've been to many different type of Christian churches ranging from traditional Catholic to talking in tongues, snake shaking Christians to everything in between. I've read the bible, attended Sunday school and early in my marriage was as devout to Christ as I was to my husband and children. I was serious about faith.

Some where along the way, I took a serious look at Christianity and couldn't accept it. I can't agree to take it in parts. Only like and follow with what I think is acceptable and ignore what upset me. To me there are sections of the bible that I disagree with. There are doctrine, policy, and belief of the church or particular sect of Christianity ascribes to that I can not align myself with because it's cruel, hateful, fearful, and corrupt. I got tired of trying to be a "good Christian" but being told how wrong I am. I felt so dirty sitting in the pew wanting the blood of Christ to wash me anew and yet it never happened. I could fake it. I did. But that made me just as hypocritical as those others I didn't want to be associated with. I never felt good enough. I feared God and soon began to resent Him. How dare he make me with free will, a free spirit, a sexual being and then scorn and judge me for it! How could He give me THIS life and no answers. I prayed and prayed. Please give me strength to understand, the power to see me to Your Light, give me a heart that is SATISFIED......

my answer came....

SEEK OUT THE GODDESS.....

In this path, I have learned to love myself. I am satisfied and blessed with understanding and strength that I've never even fathomed. I realize perfection is attainable and sought through the journey of lives that we live in Her path. That I'm a work in progress, here to learn and lead by example. She surely changes everything she touches. When She touched me, my heart swelled so.

I am a grateful daughter of the Loving and Living Goddess.
XOX
Ursula

Make No Mistake, I Am A Good Mother.

When Clyde and I met to discuss our separation and impending divorce, he said to me that he was concerned with the item that listed the children living with me. "What if they want to live with me?" He queried. I replied that I am a good mother and there is no reason to change the arrangements. He continued with the "but what if they choose to" and I reminded him that I am a good mother and it wasn't productive to let the children pin us, the parents, against one another just because they don't like the rules of one house or the other. I don't think that was the answer he was looking for. After all, in truth, he wants to weasel out of child support. Which is something I don't understand. In fact he'd prefer that I support the children without his money. But I don't and can't fathom this a rational course of action. Why are the non-custodial parents such douches when it comes to their responsibilities to their children? I didn't give birth to them on my own. It doesn't matter if I could afford to support them, which I can't. The point is, their existence is our responsibility. However, when I mentioned to Clyde that I am a good mother and he is a good father and the arrangement stands, he just stared at me. He didn't acknowledge my ability to mother his children. There are days I struggle between being there to raise my kids and being the provider for my family. Sometimes I'm so tired that I drag my bag of bones body around like a zombie from one activity of cooking dinner, doing laundry, to driving back and for to work, shopping, missed buses, doctor appointments, cleaning the juice spills, unclogging the sink, running to the mall, picking out concert tickets, paying for shoes, book bags, bras, skinny jeans, dying hair, waxing eyebrows, yelling at, disciplining, grounding, begging them to clean up their room, put away, clothes, talk nicer to each other, be kind to one another, SHARE, QUIET!!!, or watching Ouron Host Club for the gazillionth time to just trying get a high five, a hug and kiss or even a smile from my children (all the while, Clyde remains the fun parent, the nice guy, the one that takes them to the beach and the aquarium and lets them eat sugary food and drink soda parent). I'm a working mother, I am a single mother... but make no mistake, I am a GOOD mother...

XOX
Ursula

Heavy Topic, Take 2

Ok...
So last year I tried to diet and exercise and honestly, I sucked at it. I just gained weight and kept getting injured. Sore knee, sore feet, sore back. Then I kept getting a cold and it would take days to recover, but as soon as I felt good and started excising again, the cold and body pains would come back. Then I went back to doing nothing. Feeling like a failure for once again not getting control over this issue. I mean I kicked the sugar addiction and stopped smoking to be healthier. Then, some time between Thanksgiving and Yule, my BFF, Bea asked me to be her maid of honor (MOH) and I finally said NO! No, to the weight, because I said" YES of course" to Bea. Then she told me the wedding is in APRIL!!!! Oh for Goddess sake I thought. I stepped on the scale.... 198 lbs!!!!!! HOLY SHIT, I thought. Well screamed in my head actually. How the hell and WHEN did that happen. So I know I had to get serious. There was no way I'm standing in a church, next to my beautiful BFF with her being all glamorous and sexy and me being a tub-a-lard in chiffon. So, I started.... began to watch what I ate and trying to add exercise into my routine. And a great big ole nothing happened. I lost a whole pound... woot, right? Of course, it was the holidays. It was difficult not to down delicious and decedent treats. So, in January, I got SERIOUS. I paid for Weight Watchers (on line) Points Plus got the book "Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type." And what a difference! It didn't want to blog about my progress, until there was actually something to type about. According to the book, I had to give up chicken, corn, tomatoes, soy, wheat and a few other of my daily dietary staples. I am eating more veggies, beef, dairy.... trying out gluten free and raw. I'm given a daily 29 points with an additional 49 weekly points that honestly I try to avoid using, but come in handy when I want to eat subway. (a sandwich 6inch is 11 points and I can still down a footlong)... But proud and happy to say that as of today.... (and even though I'm suppose to only weigh on Monday's) I'm 186!!!! WOOT!!! Size 12/14 brides maid dress here I come!!!

XOX
Ursula

Ray of Sunshine

I'm a morning person! I didn't want to be. In fact, as a child, my mom gave me a poster (made with fabric paint from the 6o's) with a sleepy eyed yawning kid gripping a blanket, that clearly stated; "I'm ALLERGIC to Mornings". Of course that could be because I usually sneeze within 15 minutes of being awake. I've even worked night shifts, so that I could be blessed with the blanket of stars and moonlight (both of which I adore). Most of my friends and even my (soon to be ex) husband and my children all thrive as Night Owls. I whine... "Why??? Oh Why can't I be like them??" Staying up late, watching movies, playing games, chatting... facebook"ing", skulking around on the world wide web or reading into the wee hours of twilight....

Yet, before the first beam from the bright sun peeks over the horizon, my eyes pop wide open. I'm bright and cheerful with a smile on my face as I lay in my cozy bed. (most often before my alarm has a chance to buzz) I'm often accused of being "too" perky in the morning, but I just can't help myself. The day is filled with so many possibilities that I can not wait to start. I'm filled with the hope that today is going to be wonderful. I know the promise of a new beginning as the day starts and I'm up and apart of it. I have so much joy that I'm bursting at the seams. I am happy. Grounded. Centered. Peaceful.

Then it begins.... the List of things I need, want, should, have and better accomplish before I see my bed again. And for the rest of the day, I struggle to be a ray of sunshine.....

XOX
~Ursula

My Random Thoughts

So, here I am.. I haven't written in a while... I have been busy(ing) myself. Saying I'm not avoiding, but rather saying, I'm focused on my career and my children and of course making me a better me. But we all know that writing, makes me a better me, yet ... I avoid it at all costs... Because I don't think I'm good enough, smart enough or talented enough to ever be taken seriously. I tell myself that I love my current job so much that it should satisfy me. But in truth, i'm not. Yes I love my job and don't ever plan to give it up, but the writer in me is screaming and I've had the volume off. As a child, there were so many things out of my control, and now as an adult, I micromanage to the infinity factor and it drives everyone, including myself insane. However, since my separation... I have been focused on this challenge of control... This is very difficult, letting go... because it means letting go of EVERYTHING... and that really scares me. What is fear and since I'm such a control freak... why am I letting fear run MY LIFE????

So, in the past year I took a break from relationships, more importantly SEX. I did attempt dating, met for a couple of first dates, chatted/txt with a few people. But because I wasn't wanting to jump into bed and be sexual from the start, these dates never went further. This is a good thing, I had time to explore parts of my sexuality that I assumed I'd mastered and knew about myself. WOW I know that I want a deeper connection with my partner. I've never had that. I've always had sex before getting to know the person. In fact... not only did I assume that sex was intimacy, most if not all but maybe one relationship I've ever had, were about THE sex. When are we gonna get together to have it, is it good, how often did we do it, can we kink it out even more and it goes on and on and on.... but what about the people, myself included... no wonder I'm single at 38..... There is this guy... Mac, he is a client at the office I work for and we have become associations, not really friends, but friendly. I like him. Very cute and so nice. Funny, OMG is he funny. We have some things in common. It is difficult to build a "ship" friend or romantic when I really only see him at the office and when we txt it's usually small talk. In this chit chat repartee we have going on between us I have HINTED that I like him. The other ladies at the office, agree he is a good catch and that he obviously likes me. In my mind, every gesture had a double meaning. I was like he did blah blah and that must mean he is into me. But he hasn't taken the first step, made a move... so that got me thinking (I'm not his type aka I'm not good enough). I began to obsess about ways to communicate with him, be flirty with him and basically acted like a freak middle school child with a big ole crush and trap him into having feelings for me.... (what the fuck! I KNOW... RIGHT???) It hit me smack in the face one day, (Ok, it was Valentine's Day) he came in the office as usual and was his normal sweet funny self and I was screaming in my head, I LIKE YOU!!! WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME??? and the answer was..... because. Yep... no rhyme or reason, it is what it is, because. If he likes me and wants a relationship with me, it's up to him to pursue me... For him (because of his past relationship issues) he NEEDS that. If I push him or make the first move, then I'm like all the rest of the girls he has dated. In that flash of a moment, I saw into the parallel world of me leading and him following and though it seemed what we wanted, the end result (and it WOULD END) was each of us resenting the other, me for leading and him for following. And I was like....WOW~my inner self was like... bitch, whatchusay??? And that made me really think, I'm mean really really think about ME.... I've always thought of my failed relationships, not as actual failures... I was a Muse helping these people become better for the next person that came along....maybe part of that is true, they've helped me in some bizzaro way (good or bad) in me becoming the person I am today. In short, all this "no sex" for a year has been enlightening and cathartic and i'm excited to learn more about myself and where this journey is leading me.

XOX
~Ursula