Psychedelic

I went to a body-mind-spirit festival on the beach yesterday with some (recently met) girlfriends (Jacki and her sister Becki). We had such a great time, shopping, talking and eating. We even looked at wedding rings with Jacki at one of the shops. I felt so included and I was open to it. A truly psychedelic day...

We went to a little shop and I got a hand made prayer bead strand for unconditional love, this seems to be a theme in my life at the moment. self love, motherly love, friendly love, family love, romantic love.... I'm going to use it as a focus tool while I meditate. (sweet)

I had a card read for me. Abundance (more meaning for prosperity). I have abundance it all aspects of my life, just need to remind myself of how truly full and blessed my life is and not worry about what I don't have. Be happy with the moment and all it has to offer. (does this sound familiar? You bet!)

I also went to a psychic. I love getting my cards, tarot, runes or palm read. I usually cry, yesterday was no different. I wanted to know about my love life. She told me to stop worrying about it. I'll meet someone within the year, but it's not a forever love. That's not the way with me. I've had a few loves and right now I'm still going through the process of grieving over my divorce (even though I'm the one that left, she knew that I didn't tell her). So chill out basically. Now what's holding me back is, I'm not doing what I'm passionate about. My job, although I like it, it's draining me and I know it. I need to go back to school. I need to write about my pain and share it with others. I will not be able to keep up my current career direction forever and this is the year to prepare for that change, when it comes. (she seem to give me the feeling, it'll be like in 2 or 3 years). Also my body it taking a toll and I need to do more to relax it. (I need to be serious about taking care of myself), my shoulders and neck are so full of unnecessary tension. Lastly, she spoke of my mother. She said she visits me at night, watching my sleep and sits in the chair in my room. (that is freaky, cause I've got a chair facing my bed) Also she asked me about electronics, have I had something messing up lately. And yes, my alarm clock has been messing up or been unplugged. She said that was my mom trying to get my attention. And my mom kept talking about shoes (the only thing I can think of is I LOVE shoes). She said my mom gives me pink roses and pulls back from the psychic. (Pink roses??? symbol of friendship) The psychic said my mom loves me and is always with me. I also have two guardian angels with me at all time, yet I don't let them help me and they just stand around twiddling their thumbs. I need to open up to them for help. So at this moment, I open my heart, mind and soul to my guardian angels, I allow them to help me and guide me. So Mote It Be

xox
Ursula

Exit Stage Left...

The next chapter of The 5 Love Languages talks about the two stages of love. I've heard of the honeymoon phase, but not 2 stages of love. In stage 1, it is the honeymoon phase. Where everything is beautiful (to simply put it) and one experiences the euphoric ride of love and it lasts about two years. UH? Then stage 2 begins where as all the little things begin to become big things. All the personality flaws are glaring at you and you begin to be annoyed by the other person. The book explains that this is the real love. The time to be dedicating yourself to UNCONDITIONAL love for your partner (as they do the same for you) whilst speaking each other's love language. Well this explains my failure, I'm all for stage 1, the happy to be together stage that I cram into a three month period before I start demanding commitment (where as and here in squats the goat; I really don't know this person) and if the relationship does last longer than 2 years, I'm already disgruntled and can't be open to stage 2. I've never really reached stage 2. I don't know what to do at this point.. Exit stage left???

Questions to ponder

1. Which of your relationships do you consider to be healthy relationships?
I use to think I had a good bond with my children, Bea, and Vie and even with my ex-husband. I always thought the confrontation and disagreements was part and parcel of any relationship. But now, after reading this chapter, I feel that I don't have any healthy relationships.

2. Which of your relationships would you like to see improved?
I really want to be a better mom and have my children respond to me in a more positive and respectful way as I respond to them in return. I really want to have a better connection with my brothers Charles and Freddie and my sister Vivianne. I want to strengthen my relationship with Bea. I would like to see myself interacting constructively and in a copacetic manner at work and i would like to open myself up to friendships and love in all its forms.

3. How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Your father?
My parents were absent at best and abusive at worst.

My mother struggled to communicate love and affection except through materialistic means. She was a difficult person to please and was constantly verbally and/or physically accosting me because I failed to live up to her expectations. There were rare moments of deep abiding love from her, but it was seldom and shrouded by her demands. Now that I am an adult and mother, I can see her struggle more clearly. It doesn't excuse her, but I get it and I profoundly wish she had gotten help. Sadly, she died and we can not work through this, but I have forgiven her.

My biological father (baby daddy) was/is absent.

My step-fathers (3 of them) sexually abused me; I get why I'm a control freak and do not trust people easily. But I am not a victim. It wasn't my fault and through reading Gabrielle Bernstein's book (Add More ~ing to Your Life: A Hip Guide to Happiness) - I am working on the use of the F word daily.

These relationships or lack there of have had negative influence on my life, obviously. But I am a survivor, strong woman and powerful enough to "break the chain": (thank you Bethenny Frankel).

4. In dating relationships, how many times have you experienced Stage One: passionate love?
Is this a trick question??? Oh! I fall in love so easily (no problem there). I am a true consumer of this kind of love and hence when the relationship graduates to Stage 2 I am unable to cope. I am in love with being in love and therefore, more times than I can count; I have experienced Stage One: passionate love.

5. Were you able to make the transition to Stage Two: covenant love: Why or why not?
(big sigh) Obviously not. Because I was unaware that I am inept at making it across the bridge to Stage 2. I'd have hope and high expectations that the other person would "know" how to show me love and make me happy. It occurs to me that not only did these people not respond to my language, I didn't respond to theirs (wow-wee) and all we did was make each other miserable and got angry at each other and blamed each other and when it comes down to it, we couldn't even understand each other how in the hell were we suppose to make a relationship work or even our love for each other grow???... (they should teach this shit in high school!!!!)

6. Are you willing to invest time in learning to speak the 5 love languages?
YES!!! (simple but true)

Fresh Start

So... I had a moment of weakness at the wedding of my BFF Bea, was it the sugar high from the skittles or the caffeine/energy boost drink of a Monster's Java Loco Mocha talking??? oy It doesn't even matter, every day I wake up is a fresh start.

I'm reading The 5 Love languages for Singles by Gary Chapman. (I know it is Christian based, but The Divine is everywhere and in everything regardless of what the devotees name it.) At the end of every chapter are Questions to ponder and I thought Wow-wee these will make great blog post entries. So, dear reader, enjoy....

To what degree do you feel loved by significant people in your life?
From my children I feel a great deal amount. With every hug, kiss, groan, eye-rolling, LAWL, laugh, high-five I feel their love and sheer joy of being my children. I do feel some from my brothers (although I think it is out of obligation more than unconditional love, but love none the less, and to be honest, my love for them is quiet obligatory in return). As to my sister Vivianne, there is true love and support there. We couldn't be more different and yet even through space and time we are each other's biggest cheerleader. As for my friendships, I'm not sure. I know some love me dearly and I know it, while others are more fair weatherly types. The jury is out on the friendship love.

In a time of need, have you experienced the love of a friend like the one Rob described: "I don't think I would have made it without her??" If so, how did your friend show his or her love?
This is a tricky question (and maybe part of my blockage to love) I've had friends come and go in my life. In the moments we are connected and I would say, yeah totally love and supported by this person. But then the friendship ends (usually a move is involved, sometimes there is a fall out). I want friends like Friends on TV. mmmmmmm When I was 9 I had my palm read at a fair. The fortune teller told me, I'd never have lots of friends and they'd always be moving in and out of my life, that the friendships will never last for long periods of time. Here's the kicker... Is this fate and destiny or a self fulling prophecy and I block myself subconsciously because she told me that???

Have you been a friend to someone in need? how did you express your love?
I would think of myself as a person willing to go the distance for a friendship and express my love for that person both verbally and physically. But honestly, maybe it's me and not them. Maybe I haven't been as open and giving as I think and maybe this is why my friendships fail. Not that I don't have the potential to become a greater friend. I know I have it in me, the desire to connect with people and make lasting friendships. (uh.. thought I was just befuddled in the romantic zone, but apparent I'm socially inept too, ??)

How successful have you been in giving and receiving emotional love?
Well, obviously I suck... hence I'm reading this book to help me figure this out and become better at expressing love and allowing myself to accept the love others have to offer (wow-wee).

How interested are you in studying the nature of love and learning new ways to express love?
OOOHHHHHHH VERY, yeah me.. oh pick me, I want! YES!!!! (ahem) I am extremely open to the idea.

(Is this going to be fun or what?)
xox
Ursula

All For Not?

So even after I shed almost 20lbs, I still looked like a tub-o-lard in green chiffon. You got it. The wedding of Bea & Jay was on Saturday and it was truly a wonderful and beautiful event if you didn't mind the elephant in the room; me. For some unknown reason, that even though the dress fit days before and even the night before the wedding, the day of.. I gained 20 pounds or the dress shrunk. Either way it wasn't fitting. I asked the bride (very wildly and tearfully) for another 10 minutes to try to fix the problem and we exchanged some heated words and it ended with her walking out to line up and me crying and saying "How very matrue of you, thanks!" Surely not my most shinning moment. So another bridesmaid scrambled to put a shawl on my shoulders to cover my bountiful boosm..... honestly i think it made things worse, but as I was reminded by said bridesmaid... everyone will be looking at Bea anyway and wont eve notice me (oh btw.. my ego loved that one). So, the bride said I looked fine and to get it together.. No one likes to hear they look fine (it really means, you aren't ugly but you still look bad). After the ceremonly a well meaning moron came up to me and said I had an odd look on my face during the whole wedding. (seriously?) I was horriblely uncomfortable (not just in THAT dress, but in my own skin) and completely ashamed... but I thought I was smiling through it for Bea. (another let down I suppose, how she must be truly dissapointed) At the reception, I gave a nice speech. Not many people talked to me, ok I think 3 people NOT in the wedding party spoke to me. I scrambled to find two of my kids (I took the older 2 girls, thought we'd have some fun together) but honestly even they didn't want to be around the chaos that was me that day. I don't blame them. Before I knew it. Bea & Jay left and all was over.... Until we met for lunch before I and my kids left town, after hugging and being all happy to see each other.. the first thing out of her mouth "So, rumor has it people we taking bets to see how soon your chest would burst out of your dress." (smiling and laughing... her not me). I was a total clown, exactly what I didn't want to be and all that hard work (diet and exercise) I did months before the wedding was all for not.....

Signing off,
Ursula (aka tub-o-lard in chiffon)