Dear Clyde

Dear Clyde, I have been thinking of today for a while. It is a day for closure and endings and I thought it would be appropriate to end this relationship the way it began, with a letter. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you but I didn't want any misunderstanding of what it was I am forgiving you for. I did not want any ambivalence or scoffing. I thought about ticking off every broken promise, every transgression, every lie; but that seemed futile at best and hateful at worst. It would not give my heart the solace it is seeking. So, I simply say to you; I Forgive You. I do have a lasting and deep wish that you find happiness and have a blissful life My hope is that you serve that of your highest self for the sake of our children. They deserve the very best part of you. They are truly our greatest treasure and success and I am grateful to you for them. All my best, Ursula

I wish Wiccan's had a bible

Yeah I said it! I wish I had a Wiccan bible. I know we have the Rede (our moral guide). Maybe as a writer I should create my own and I know that's what the book of shadows is. But not really. The bible tells the stories of the Christian faith. It's not just a rule book for "How to live a devout and pious life" but also an inspirational read. A self improvement and affirmation guide for the soul. I love reading certain scriptures to be uplifted, moved, stimulate my senses, excite my fancy and stir my soul. Truly poetic. A book of shadows is a culmination of workings, be it rituals, meditations and spells. A personal "how to" manual. I enjoy mine and am always working on them. But what I desire is a book of quotes (ish) that elicit the same feelings from me that the Scripture does. To say things like "A thing of beauty is a joy forever" or This is the day the Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it Psalms 118:24 are some of my favorite quotes because there is so much hope and promise and love melded into the words.
Inspirational Quotes for Wiccans (I bet B & N has one.. giggle)
If not... looks like a project for me... wonder how something like that gets published???

xox
Ursula

The Crossroads

I'm standing at the crossroads of who I was and whom I'm to become.
I look around and notice that I'm singularly here.
I do not have a romantic partner
I've out grown most of my friendships
I have no faith based community.
I am truly solitairely present.

So scared to be alone and yet that is what I am and I wonder... "Why?" My ego begins to scream at me, "Because you aren't good enough to have people in your life. You demand so much out of people that it exhausts them. You are self absorbed. You are too critical. You are unlovable." Oh the list goes on.

i cry

Then there is a swelling in my heart and these words are whispered.... "in perfect love and perfect trust, as above so below, as within so without...."

wait... wiping tears...
what was that...

She repeats.....
"in perfect love and perfect trust, as above so below, as within so without"

(damn it)

I do not need external validation to complete me, it's already inside of me. Waiting for me to be alone long enough to discover it.....

Dear Goddess, THANK YOU!

I shall follow (alone) on this path of self discovery, self validation and to true completeness.

al 'a cart

I just made my very own salad dressing. Partly, ok mostly, because I can't afford the organic and natural versions from the store. They are usually $3.00 to $4.00 a bottle and honestly because they are processed there is an ingredient in it that I can't have (according to "Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type"). I was eating WishBone Italian and although it's fairly inexpensive and tasty, it has Soybean oil and Corn products in it. :O(

So, I bought a little salad dressing bottle with a drip top, kinda like the tops on liquor bottles. Do you know what I mean? I don't know the name for the bottle. Sometimes they use these bottles for vinegar at restaurants. But anyway so I made French Dressing, YUMMY

Here is the recipe... ENJOY

Classic French Dressing
1 cup olive oil
1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
1/4 lemon juice
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground mustard
1/2 tsp paprika

Religion 101

So, the subject of my faith raises eyebrows in most people that I meet. In fact, I'm often met with scorn, ridicule, patronizing comments and the all time favorite of pure unadulterated disbelief. After all, upon first glance I seem "normal", educated, moral even and very much an ethical and maybe even logical gal. Of course if anyone bothered to go below the surface... Well, that's where I seem to come of as a total FREAK, hippy-dippy, out there, broadband weirdo. I do not see myself as unusual or strange. I admit to being a freak, hahahaha. But honestly, I am just as unique and quirky as the next person. Seriously.

I was raised by a non practicing Catholic, my mother. As far back as I can remember, I've attended various religious establishments, usually without my mother. I've been to many different type of Christian churches ranging from traditional Catholic to talking in tongues, snake shaking Christians to everything in between. I've read the bible, attended Sunday school and early in my marriage was as devout to Christ as I was to my husband and children. I was serious about faith.

Some where along the way, I took a serious look at Christianity and couldn't accept it. I can't agree to take it in parts. Only like and follow with what I think is acceptable and ignore what upset me. To me there are sections of the bible that I disagree with. There are doctrine, policy, and belief of the church or particular sect of Christianity ascribes to that I can not align myself with because it's cruel, hateful, fearful, and corrupt. I got tired of trying to be a "good Christian" but being told how wrong I am. I felt so dirty sitting in the pew wanting the blood of Christ to wash me anew and yet it never happened. I could fake it. I did. But that made me just as hypocritical as those others I didn't want to be associated with. I never felt good enough. I feared God and soon began to resent Him. How dare he make me with free will, a free spirit, a sexual being and then scorn and judge me for it! How could He give me THIS life and no answers. I prayed and prayed. Please give me strength to understand, the power to see me to Your Light, give me a heart that is SATISFIED......

my answer came....

SEEK OUT THE GODDESS.....

In this path, I have learned to love myself. I am satisfied and blessed with understanding and strength that I've never even fathomed. I realize perfection is attainable and sought through the journey of lives that we live in Her path. That I'm a work in progress, here to learn and lead by example. She surely changes everything she touches. When She touched me, my heart swelled so.

I am a grateful daughter of the Loving and Living Goddess.
XOX
Ursula

Make No Mistake, I Am A Good Mother.

When Clyde and I met to discuss our separation and impending divorce, he said to me that he was concerned with the item that listed the children living with me. "What if they want to live with me?" He queried. I replied that I am a good mother and there is no reason to change the arrangements. He continued with the "but what if they choose to" and I reminded him that I am a good mother and it wasn't productive to let the children pin us, the parents, against one another just because they don't like the rules of one house or the other. I don't think that was the answer he was looking for. After all, in truth, he wants to weasel out of child support. Which is something I don't understand. In fact he'd prefer that I support the children without his money. But I don't and can't fathom this a rational course of action. Why are the non-custodial parents such douches when it comes to their responsibilities to their children? I didn't give birth to them on my own. It doesn't matter if I could afford to support them, which I can't. The point is, their existence is our responsibility. However, when I mentioned to Clyde that I am a good mother and he is a good father and the arrangement stands, he just stared at me. He didn't acknowledge my ability to mother his children. There are days I struggle between being there to raise my kids and being the provider for my family. Sometimes I'm so tired that I drag my bag of bones body around like a zombie from one activity of cooking dinner, doing laundry, to driving back and for to work, shopping, missed buses, doctor appointments, cleaning the juice spills, unclogging the sink, running to the mall, picking out concert tickets, paying for shoes, book bags, bras, skinny jeans, dying hair, waxing eyebrows, yelling at, disciplining, grounding, begging them to clean up their room, put away, clothes, talk nicer to each other, be kind to one another, SHARE, QUIET!!!, or watching Ouron Host Club for the gazillionth time to just trying get a high five, a hug and kiss or even a smile from my children (all the while, Clyde remains the fun parent, the nice guy, the one that takes them to the beach and the aquarium and lets them eat sugary food and drink soda parent). I'm a working mother, I am a single mother... but make no mistake, I am a GOOD mother...

XOX
Ursula

Heavy Topic, Take 2

Ok...
So last year I tried to diet and exercise and honestly, I sucked at it. I just gained weight and kept getting injured. Sore knee, sore feet, sore back. Then I kept getting a cold and it would take days to recover, but as soon as I felt good and started excising again, the cold and body pains would come back. Then I went back to doing nothing. Feeling like a failure for once again not getting control over this issue. I mean I kicked the sugar addiction and stopped smoking to be healthier. Then, some time between Thanksgiving and Yule, my BFF, Bea asked me to be her maid of honor (MOH) and I finally said NO! No, to the weight, because I said" YES of course" to Bea. Then she told me the wedding is in APRIL!!!! Oh for Goddess sake I thought. I stepped on the scale.... 198 lbs!!!!!! HOLY SHIT, I thought. Well screamed in my head actually. How the hell and WHEN did that happen. So I know I had to get serious. There was no way I'm standing in a church, next to my beautiful BFF with her being all glamorous and sexy and me being a tub-a-lard in chiffon. So, I started.... began to watch what I ate and trying to add exercise into my routine. And a great big ole nothing happened. I lost a whole pound... woot, right? Of course, it was the holidays. It was difficult not to down delicious and decedent treats. So, in January, I got SERIOUS. I paid for Weight Watchers (on line) Points Plus got the book "Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type." And what a difference! It didn't want to blog about my progress, until there was actually something to type about. According to the book, I had to give up chicken, corn, tomatoes, soy, wheat and a few other of my daily dietary staples. I am eating more veggies, beef, dairy.... trying out gluten free and raw. I'm given a daily 29 points with an additional 49 weekly points that honestly I try to avoid using, but come in handy when I want to eat subway. (a sandwich 6inch is 11 points and I can still down a footlong)... But proud and happy to say that as of today.... (and even though I'm suppose to only weigh on Monday's) I'm 186!!!! WOOT!!! Size 12/14 brides maid dress here I come!!!

XOX
Ursula

Ray of Sunshine

I'm a morning person! I didn't want to be. In fact, as a child, my mom gave me a poster (made with fabric paint from the 6o's) with a sleepy eyed yawning kid gripping a blanket, that clearly stated; "I'm ALLERGIC to Mornings". Of course that could be because I usually sneeze within 15 minutes of being awake. I've even worked night shifts, so that I could be blessed with the blanket of stars and moonlight (both of which I adore). Most of my friends and even my (soon to be ex) husband and my children all thrive as Night Owls. I whine... "Why??? Oh Why can't I be like them??" Staying up late, watching movies, playing games, chatting... facebook"ing", skulking around on the world wide web or reading into the wee hours of twilight....

Yet, before the first beam from the bright sun peeks over the horizon, my eyes pop wide open. I'm bright and cheerful with a smile on my face as I lay in my cozy bed. (most often before my alarm has a chance to buzz) I'm often accused of being "too" perky in the morning, but I just can't help myself. The day is filled with so many possibilities that I can not wait to start. I'm filled with the hope that today is going to be wonderful. I know the promise of a new beginning as the day starts and I'm up and apart of it. I have so much joy that I'm bursting at the seams. I am happy. Grounded. Centered. Peaceful.

Then it begins.... the List of things I need, want, should, have and better accomplish before I see my bed again. And for the rest of the day, I struggle to be a ray of sunshine.....

XOX
~Ursula

My Random Thoughts

So, here I am.. I haven't written in a while... I have been busy(ing) myself. Saying I'm not avoiding, but rather saying, I'm focused on my career and my children and of course making me a better me. But we all know that writing, makes me a better me, yet ... I avoid it at all costs... Because I don't think I'm good enough, smart enough or talented enough to ever be taken seriously. I tell myself that I love my current job so much that it should satisfy me. But in truth, i'm not. Yes I love my job and don't ever plan to give it up, but the writer in me is screaming and I've had the volume off. As a child, there were so many things out of my control, and now as an adult, I micromanage to the infinity factor and it drives everyone, including myself insane. However, since my separation... I have been focused on this challenge of control... This is very difficult, letting go... because it means letting go of EVERYTHING... and that really scares me. What is fear and since I'm such a control freak... why am I letting fear run MY LIFE????

So, in the past year I took a break from relationships, more importantly SEX. I did attempt dating, met for a couple of first dates, chatted/txt with a few people. But because I wasn't wanting to jump into bed and be sexual from the start, these dates never went further. This is a good thing, I had time to explore parts of my sexuality that I assumed I'd mastered and knew about myself. WOW I know that I want a deeper connection with my partner. I've never had that. I've always had sex before getting to know the person. In fact... not only did I assume that sex was intimacy, most if not all but maybe one relationship I've ever had, were about THE sex. When are we gonna get together to have it, is it good, how often did we do it, can we kink it out even more and it goes on and on and on.... but what about the people, myself included... no wonder I'm single at 38..... There is this guy... Mac, he is a client at the office I work for and we have become associations, not really friends, but friendly. I like him. Very cute and so nice. Funny, OMG is he funny. We have some things in common. It is difficult to build a "ship" friend or romantic when I really only see him at the office and when we txt it's usually small talk. In this chit chat repartee we have going on between us I have HINTED that I like him. The other ladies at the office, agree he is a good catch and that he obviously likes me. In my mind, every gesture had a double meaning. I was like he did blah blah and that must mean he is into me. But he hasn't taken the first step, made a move... so that got me thinking (I'm not his type aka I'm not good enough). I began to obsess about ways to communicate with him, be flirty with him and basically acted like a freak middle school child with a big ole crush and trap him into having feelings for me.... (what the fuck! I KNOW... RIGHT???) It hit me smack in the face one day, (Ok, it was Valentine's Day) he came in the office as usual and was his normal sweet funny self and I was screaming in my head, I LIKE YOU!!! WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME??? and the answer was..... because. Yep... no rhyme or reason, it is what it is, because. If he likes me and wants a relationship with me, it's up to him to pursue me... For him (because of his past relationship issues) he NEEDS that. If I push him or make the first move, then I'm like all the rest of the girls he has dated. In that flash of a moment, I saw into the parallel world of me leading and him following and though it seemed what we wanted, the end result (and it WOULD END) was each of us resenting the other, me for leading and him for following. And I was like....WOW~my inner self was like... bitch, whatchusay??? And that made me really think, I'm mean really really think about ME.... I've always thought of my failed relationships, not as actual failures... I was a Muse helping these people become better for the next person that came along....maybe part of that is true, they've helped me in some bizzaro way (good or bad) in me becoming the person I am today. In short, all this "no sex" for a year has been enlightening and cathartic and i'm excited to learn more about myself and where this journey is leading me.

XOX
~Ursula