My Random Thoughts

So, here I am.. I haven't written in a while... I have been busy(ing) myself. Saying I'm not avoiding, but rather saying, I'm focused on my career and my children and of course making me a better me. But we all know that writing, makes me a better me, yet ... I avoid it at all costs... Because I don't think I'm good enough, smart enough or talented enough to ever be taken seriously. I tell myself that I love my current job so much that it should satisfy me. But in truth, i'm not. Yes I love my job and don't ever plan to give it up, but the writer in me is screaming and I've had the volume off. As a child, there were so many things out of my control, and now as an adult, I micromanage to the infinity factor and it drives everyone, including myself insane. However, since my separation... I have been focused on this challenge of control... This is very difficult, letting go... because it means letting go of EVERYTHING... and that really scares me. What is fear and since I'm such a control freak... why am I letting fear run MY LIFE????

So, in the past year I took a break from relationships, more importantly SEX. I did attempt dating, met for a couple of first dates, chatted/txt with a few people. But because I wasn't wanting to jump into bed and be sexual from the start, these dates never went further. This is a good thing, I had time to explore parts of my sexuality that I assumed I'd mastered and knew about myself. WOW I know that I want a deeper connection with my partner. I've never had that. I've always had sex before getting to know the person. In fact... not only did I assume that sex was intimacy, most if not all but maybe one relationship I've ever had, were about THE sex. When are we gonna get together to have it, is it good, how often did we do it, can we kink it out even more and it goes on and on and on.... but what about the people, myself included... no wonder I'm single at 38..... There is this guy... Mac, he is a client at the office I work for and we have become associations, not really friends, but friendly. I like him. Very cute and so nice. Funny, OMG is he funny. We have some things in common. It is difficult to build a "ship" friend or romantic when I really only see him at the office and when we txt it's usually small talk. In this chit chat repartee we have going on between us I have HINTED that I like him. The other ladies at the office, agree he is a good catch and that he obviously likes me. In my mind, every gesture had a double meaning. I was like he did blah blah and that must mean he is into me. But he hasn't taken the first step, made a move... so that got me thinking (I'm not his type aka I'm not good enough). I began to obsess about ways to communicate with him, be flirty with him and basically acted like a freak middle school child with a big ole crush and trap him into having feelings for me.... (what the fuck! I KNOW... RIGHT???) It hit me smack in the face one day, (Ok, it was Valentine's Day) he came in the office as usual and was his normal sweet funny self and I was screaming in my head, I LIKE YOU!!! WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME??? and the answer was..... because. Yep... no rhyme or reason, it is what it is, because. If he likes me and wants a relationship with me, it's up to him to pursue me... For him (because of his past relationship issues) he NEEDS that. If I push him or make the first move, then I'm like all the rest of the girls he has dated. In that flash of a moment, I saw into the parallel world of me leading and him following and though it seemed what we wanted, the end result (and it WOULD END) was each of us resenting the other, me for leading and him for following. And I was like....WOW~my inner self was like... bitch, whatchusay??? And that made me really think, I'm mean really really think about ME.... I've always thought of my failed relationships, not as actual failures... I was a Muse helping these people become better for the next person that came along....maybe part of that is true, they've helped me in some bizzaro way (good or bad) in me becoming the person I am today. In short, all this "no sex" for a year has been enlightening and cathartic and i'm excited to learn more about myself and where this journey is leading me.

XOX
~Ursula