All The Pretty Words

Chapter 3 talks about the Love Language Words of Affirmation, and of course the importance and the power of words. My mother always you to say "It's not what you say, but how you say it. " and "If you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up!" Oi! That was my mother. I have issues with words. I don't trust them. People say what they think you want to hear. I've never taken Affirmations seriously as a self-help tool because of self doubt and not trusting words. It's ironic that I'm a writer (with writer's block) and am discovering, I do not trust the words. mmmmm.... I think it stems from broken promises. People in my life saying things that they don't mean and unable to commit to their promises leaving me unsatisfied with their lackluster attitude. Or the opposite, being very critical and I BELIEVE them when they say negative things about me. (how screwed up is that???) And compliments are the worst for me; two reasons. I do not generally believe anyone that says anything nice about me, because I think (deep down) they want something from me. Secondly, that some how if I accept their praise I'm being vain and prideful and for some reason THAT is what is still embedded in me from my Christian upbringing and I'm somehow being dishonest and ungodly when I accept others praise. How is it that I've confused all the pretty words in this world??

Questions To Ponder

To What degree did you receive words of affirmation from your parents?

I would say, that words of affirmation came mostly if not solely from my mother. She did say "I love you, I'm proud of you, Thanks, you did a good job." It wasn't daily but it was there but sometimes the words were back-handily said. The affirmations I got from my step-fathers were always about my physical attributes, my sweet smile, my beautiful eyes, my cute nose, objectifying my body and girly attributes (honestly don't wish to repeat them), so i honestly mis-trust these accolades because of the abuse that came with these words.

  Do you find it easy or difficult to speak words of affirmation to your parents? Why?

I can't speak in a traditional sense to my mother because she is dead. But I'd like to think we can communicate across the veil and still know deep down there is love there. I don't speak to my step-fathers for obvious reasons.

If you find it difficult, is it time for you to take the initiative to express words of affirmations to you parents?

No

How freely do you express words of affirmation in your other relationships?

Tricky, this one. I am generally quick with criticism, but since my separation in 2008, I've noticed my negativity and have been working on correcting it. It's difficult to come from a place of praise and encouragement when I'm faced with disrespect and laziness, especially dealing with my children. The last thing I want to come home to is a dirty house with kids running around and not having homework done. Before I get out of the car, I breathe; Please let me speak with love and positive words this evening. Yet in 10 minutes I'm barking and snarling because they are out of control. Just as much as I want to say affirming words I want to hear (and trust) them as well. I am getting better, but I'm far from my best. I think my challenge here is; I don't know how to speak in the positive with a positive tone.

Is there a relationship you would like to enhance? Do you think speaking worlds of affirmation wold be meaningful to that person?

The one with my children, I want to parent from a place of love and I want them to respond in the same manner; I think my children will blossom in a home of love, safety and gratitude. I think our bond will become strong if we affirm each other. (Now where is the technical manual to teach us how to do this?)

xox
Ursula